To my Child, to my Mumma

My child, I want you to know.

I searched for you for all those years. I never gave up looking for you. 

My child, I never gave you up willingly. You were ripped from my arms forcefully. 

I ran after the car that ripped you away from me. 

Running for miles and miles, screaming your name and begging for you to be returned to me.

Begging for you to be given back to me. I promised I would be better. I would do better.

I begged and I promised for them to bring you back to me.

They only looked down at me in the dirt disdainfully. Got in the car, with wheels spitting dirt at me.

I sat in the dirt, not moving an inch for days and days. Crying for my baby they took away from me. 

In hopes they’d bring you back here to me.

I cried in my room for days and months for you. Wishing I were beside you.

I promised I’d do whatever it took for them to give you back to me. 

They said, “no can do”. “Your child is better off without you”. 

I still have the dress I wore the day you were taken from me – it still has our tear stains and the echoes of my heart wrenching pleas for you.

I kept it all these years because it still has the smell of you. Of my baby they took away, that was you.

I was never the same from that day. I never again spoke of that day. 

My child, my heart was shattered from that day. You see, they took my baby away. 

I prayed you would be looked after the right way. I knew deep down I could do this better no matter they say.

I looked and asked for any news of you. Our mob, well they never were to hear a thing about you.

The people who took you from me, would shoo us away, never giving anything away about you. 

My child, I am so sorry, sorry I failed you. 

I tried to find you. I tried to get you back home with me. 

I fought and I fought to have you back with me. 

My child, I am sorry I feel I failed you. 

***

Mumma, I cried for you. 

I was so scared without you. 

Was I so bad you asked them to take me away from you? 

They said you no longer wanted me, that you were better off without me. 

They said I was going to a place that truly had love for me. 

If that is what love is, I never want it. 

I prayed you would come and find me. 

Why didn’t you come for me? You promised I would never be far from you. 

That you would never let any harm come to me. So much harm was done to me.

Mumma, I barely remember you. 

A distant memory is all I have of you. 

They changed my name, said I was never to speak of the old me, Mumma.

I begged and cried for you; was I really so bad for you?

So bad you asked them to take me away?

Why didn’t you want me anymore, Mumma? 

I do not know who I really am. I am told many confusing things. 

Told I am disgusting and embarrassing. 

Made to feel filthy and unworthy.

No-one will tell me who I am. 

Would you tell me who I am Mumma? 

I am sorry I was so bad for you.

I would have done anything to stay with you.

I wish I could have been better for you, Mumma. So I could stay with you. 

I am so sorry I was not good enough for you, to keep with you, Mumma. 

My child, every year on your birthday, I am paralysed. I cannot breathe, I cannot speak. I am paralysed with grief without you. 

I am consumed by my grief of you being taken from me. I am nothing without you, my child. 

Your birthday reminds me of yet another year without you, my child. 

Oh how I wish I could have you in my arms. To hug and love you. 

You were and are my whole world, with one swift move – that was taken from me. 

Now, I have nothing left to live for, my child. 

I go through the motions I am told to; it never gets easier without you. 

I wonder what you look like, what you are doing, my child. 

Were you really better off without me?

There are many questions I ask myself every day.

Why did they take you away?
Why couldn’t we be together?
Why couldn’t I watch you grow?
Why couldn’t I guide you through this world?
This I just don’t know.

Mumma, I lie awake each night, as I did when I was a child and wonder. 

I wonder what you are doing. Where you are and if you are in the stars. 

I wonder if you think of me often or at all, Mumma. 

Did you even once look for me Mumma?

Did you cry tears of sadness or happiness when they took me?

Does anyone remember me?

Do I have your eyes Mumma? Am I tall like my big brother? 

Will I ever find you Mumma? Would you welcome me home Mumma?

I wonder, would I even be good enough for you now?

I mean, you did let them take me away Mumma…

There are many children, mothers and family today, who are affected by the Child Protection Act, Aboriginal Protection Board, also known as Aborigines (sic) Protection Board, Aborigines (sic) Welfare Board, Board for the Protection of Aborigines (sic) and similar names.

Each state had their own and some acts were worse than others. This is something all Aboriginal people live with every day, every month and every year. The transgenerational and Intergenerational trauma is ongoing and will continue to be ongoing for many generations. 

Ask yourself; how would I feel if this were me as a parent, a child or family member. Do you have the ability to understand why we feel as we do? 

Much love until next time. 

As always, I end this with ngurrbul (love)

Yali xx

A lifetime of “I am sorry” will never bring back our families, culture or identity.